Adoration:  As we spend time in adoration, we acknowledge and praise God for who God is and what God does.  So this morning I said, “Dear gracious God –you are my creator, my friend, my guide – you are faithful, forgiving, you are my rock.”  So start by praising God with words from your heart that describe why you adore your God.

Confession:  1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and will forgive us our sins.”  This part of prayer is to name those things we have done which were harmful to our relationship with God,  harmful to others or harmful to ourselves.   So this morning, I said:  “Please forgive me for I have neglected a friend who is alone, lonely and ill.  I have not spent time reading your word.  I have been eating too much junk food.”

If you cannot think of any sins which you have committed, just be quiet and  listen and the Holy Spirit will reveal areas in your life that are not pleasing to God.  Part of confessing the sin is to change –to repent-  to turn in a new direction—an active move on your part to no longer indulge in that particular sin.

Thanksgiving: “In everything give thanks.”  1 Thess. 5:18  Thanksgiving allows us to thank God for what God has done for us, and through us, right now.

“Thank you for the beautiful day,  that I have  meaningful work to do, for my health, for my husband,  my children and grandchildren.”  Potentially, this part of the prayer could be very long.  Also remember to include little wonderful touches which God adds to our lives like:  clean water to drink, electricity supply we can depend on, a surplus of food in our refrigerator, hot showers, etc.

Supplication:  Philippians 4:6:  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” In this part of the prayer we ask God to meet the needs of ourselves and others.

Pray for others. “Please be with a grandchild who is in a challenging time and needs to make good choices.”

Pray for world issues. “I am concerned about the people of Haiti and the break-out of chorea. What should I do?”  It is good to remember that prayer is a way of connecting with God; so that, God can empower us to take “action.”

Pray for your own needs. “Dear God, I continue to struggle with making good food choices.  Help me O Lord.”

May this ACTS prayer be helpful to you as you connect with God in prayer.

Remember it is also important to  be quiet and listen because God may have a definite response to your  thoughts and words.  For example:  I prayed this morning, “Help me make better food choices.”  A few minutes later the question came, “What will you do today about your bad food choices?  What action?  What will you do about the cholera outbreak in Haiti?

Remember that the purpose of prayer is to connect us with God so that we can be empowered by God. . .empowered to know what to do and then to do it.

Try the ACTS prayer.  Amen

The following guidelines are for care givers who feel overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, lonely, or like a “Caged Bird.”

•  Know your limits.  Do not take on more than you know you can handle emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise.

•  Ask for help from others.  Accept help from others.  Delegate some of the responsibilities.

• Have realistic expectations.  Remember that you can not (usually) “fix” another person’s problems.  You are called to comfort – walk alongside that hurting person, and to listen.

• Remember the basics that you need to be healthy & effective

Good nutrition
Exercise
Balance between work & refreshing time
Spiritual Energy (praying, Bible study, spiritual sharing, etc.)
Sleep

• Schedule regular times of RESPITE.  Can members of your church, family or extended family or friends help?  Perhaps a home health aide,  home health companion, a private duty nurse, adult foster care, or a short stay in nursing home or assisted living are possibilities.

• Pray – as Jesus did, get away, be quiet and pray and remember that a vital part of prayer is listening.

• Ask others to pray for you.

• Have a sense of humor.  Laugh as much as you can.

• Express anger, depression and other difficult feelings occasionally.

• Keep a journal.  Write down your thoughts and feelings.

• Repeat scriptures  – find a meaningful Psalm & a personal “power-verse.”

• Simplify your life.

• Be open so that God can work.  Keep giving your anxiety, fear, confusion to God.

• Treat yourself to something special.

• Take pride in what you are accomplishing and applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of a hurting person

• Find a listening friend.

• Consider being a part of a support group, or help form one if none is available.

• Seek out a sincere “hugger.”  Sometimes the only thing that really helps to melt away our pain is a warm embrace.  As Leo Buscaglia says, “To put your arm about another or on a shoulder is a way of saying, ‘I see you,’ ‘I feel with you,’ ‘I care.’ “

• Educate yourself about the care-receiver’s condition.

• Help the person to help themselves and maintain their routine, and dignity as much as possible.

• One of the most important things you provide to the one you take care of is emotional support.  A listening ear can work wonders for their morale.

• Read James Cook’s booklet, Shared Pain and Sorrow:  Reflections of a Secondary Sufferer, (Pilgrim Press, 1991.)

• Read pages 65-70 in The Compassionate Congregation.

• For some tips for the (long term) caregiver, see www.meandmycaregivers.com    Choose “Articles” under “Personal Heath Organizer, . . .”

Even attempting to define the condition is painful for me. Our world does not accept kindly those suffering from depression. We are looked upon as a bit “crazy”; weaklings who feel sorry for ourselves; people who forget to “count their blessings.”

To feel depressed is to be “blue” day after day; to experience tiredness that never goes away, not even after ten or twelve hours of sleep; to lack energy for even the smallest of chores; to not be enthusiastic about anything; to be unable to focus or concentrate; to turn molehills into mountains; to be overly sensitive to comments.
My feelings of worthlessness and loneliness were overwhelming. Each day I would pray that God would end my life; at times I even planned how I could do this. I felt like a failure who was all alone in this world.

-Marianne

Wisdom for the Caregiver (from Marianne)

Helpful support during these times came from friends who

• called every morning to wake me.
• extended words of love, care, and affirmation.
• hugged or touched me (very powerful medicine)
• encouraged me to see a professional for help and accompanied me on the first visit.
• invited me to walk or engage in other types of physical activity.
• asked for my help or assistance.   These requests added to my feelings of worthiness and also acted as a welcome distraction.
• reached out over and over again.
• prayed for me and with me.  (A dear sister-in-law who lives a great distance away would phone and end our visit with a prayer.  This touched me greatly.)
• gave tangible inspiration (A friend gave me a daily devotion flip booklet entitled Never Alone: Comfort in Times of Need.  I still treasure this gift.)
• The giving of patience, love and acceptance are gifts that transmit God’s love!

For more caregiving advice on caring for individuals who are depressed - Caring for Person with Depression

• For more caregiving advice, please go to pages 105-113 in the handbook, The Compassionate Congregation by Karen Mulder and Ginger Jurries

One of the gestures of caring which my mother liked was having her feet massaged with lotion. Some of you know how wonderfully relaxing a pedicure is? Anyway, one day I was massaging my mother’s feet, and I noticed Edith watching me intently. Then God whispered again to me, “Ask Edith if she would like you to massage her feet.” I thought, “Really God? Am I hearing you correctly? You want me to massage Mrs. Grumpy’s feet?” Then I remembered, “When you do it to the least of these you do it to me.” Okay. So I asked, “Edith, would you like me to massage your feet with lotion?” She immediately responded, “Yes, Please.” As I massaged her feet, I could feel her entire body relax—her eyes closed and she looked quite peaceful and . . . even pretty.

Everyday my sister or I would read to my mom from the Bible. One day Edith said, “Would you mind opening that curtain so that I can hear better?” Gradually weeks passed and one day my mom whispered to us, “Have you noticed that Edith is becoming a nicer person. She says, “Please and thank you.” And she isn’t so grumpy to the nurses! We even have nice conversations.”

When I reflect on this experience several insights come into my mind and heart: Plato once said, “Be kind—everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I wonder what battles Edith was fighting. The experience with Edith also taught me, once again, that God can even use our little gestures of kindness to gradually change a Grumpy person into a little nicer person.

Thank you Lord for changing Edith and for changing me too.

And the friend said, “It was my hand.” “It was your hand?” “Sure. What did you think God would be doing? He just took the hand that was nearest and used that.” God often answers prayer through other people. So the caregiver needs to be willing and available and then go to be God’s answer.

Several years ago I took a class on healing and the pastor said, “If unexpectedly a person’s name or face comes into your thoughts, respond with a phone call or a visit because God may be using you to answer that person’s prayer.” Several months ago, quite suddenly Sally came into my mind one morning. I have known Sally for a long time, and I like and respect her; however, we are not close friends. But there she was in my thoughts, and I remembered the advice of that pastor –contact that person. On the following Sunday, I saw Sally at church and said to her, “Sally are you ok? You have been in my thoughts lately. She responded, “I’m not doing so well right now. So thanks for asking.” Right then was not the time for a meaningful conversation, but I did call her the next week. And we have continued to talk either by telephone or in person. She says that those conversations have been a real blessing to her, and I have definitely been blessed by knowing Sally.

God just takes the hand that is closest and uses that one.  You may be the answer to someone’s prayer.

Thanksgiving: “In everything give thanks.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Thanksgiving allows us to thank God for what God has done for us, and through us, and all those things we are really thankful for.

Supplication: Philippians 4:6: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

In this part of the prayer we ask God to meet the needs of ourselves and others.

Pray for others. Pray for world issues. Pray for your own needs.

May this ACTS prayer be helpful to you as you connect with God in prayer. For more ideas on how to use the ACTS prayer, go to my website http:\\www.wisdomofthewounded.com

Try the ACTS prayer.

Here is the pattern:

Adoration:  As we spend time in adoration, we acknowledge and praise God for who God is and what God does.  So this morning I said, “Dear gracious God –you are my creator, my friend, my guide – you are faithful, forgiving, you are my rock.”  So start by praising God with words from your heart that describe why you adore your God.

Confession:  1 John 1: 9 says, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and will forgive us our sins.”  This part of prayer is to name those things we have done which were harmful to our relationship with God,  harmful to others or harmful to ourselves. So this morning, I said: “ Please forgive me for I have neglected a friend who is alone, lonely and ill.  I have not spent time reading your word.”

If you cannot think of any sins which you have committed, just be quiet and  listen and the Holy Spirit will reveal areas in your life that are not pleasing to God.  Part of confessing the sin is to change, to repent, to turn in a new direction—an active move on your part to no longer indulge in that particular sin.

Here is an example from my life: My friend Pat had been through two years of chemo for colon cancer. She was feeling optimistic. The tests were looking good and then one day she called me and said, “Can you come right over? I’ve had some terrible news.” I prayed one of Ann Lamont’s most sincere and reverent prayers:  “Dear God:  Help!  Help!  Help!”

“Dear God: Help! Help! Help! I don’t know what to say or do.” As I said earlier, “Prayer is a way of connecting with God so that we can be empowered by God.” God answered my cry for help. God empowered me by bringing into my mind what we say over and over in our book, The Compassionate Congregation, “Be there and listen. You can’t fix Pat’s problem, but you can be there and listen. Just be quiet, Karen, and listen.” That is what I did. I listened. I cried with her. We hugged. Three hours later, as I drove home, I said another one of Ann Lamont’s favorite prayers, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, God.”

It may be helpful to remember that prayer is a way of connecting with God, so that we can be empowered by God. Remember Ann Lamont’s two powerful prayers:  “Help! Help! Help!” And “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

Providing hope to someone whose days are dark with worry or who is suffering with a serious illness is also giving them courage and the vitality to keep moving. What are some things we can do to bring that touch of hope?

• When you’re with the person, tell them when you will be returning so they can anticipate the next time you’ll be together.
• If you’re aware of an expected visitor, remind the person that someone special is planning to visit. You could even put it on their calendar.
• Promise to call them at a designated time each day or week (and be sure to do it).
• When visiting in person, leave 7 tiny surprise packages – with instructions to open one after dinner each night. Each evening ends with inspired hope.
• Give them a goal to work toward or invite them to attend an event.
• Mail cards with notes of encouragement and hope inside regularly.
• Write out and post messages of hope from the Bible around the person’s home

All of these are little ways to give people a bit of joy on a dark day. To give them something to look forward to – a touch of hope.

To hear more about providing hope to someone who is suffering and to hear examples of how I’ve used some of these suggestions in my own care giving, listen to my radio show on the same topic.

A hospice nurse also emphasizes the importance of hope.  “Even the littlest of hopes can bring a bit of joy on a dark day. Help the person look forward to something.  Give them a touch of ‘hope’.” For example, remind the person of a visit from someone special. ”Didn’t you say that your daughter is visiting you Friday?” Tell the person when you will be returning:  “Mom, I will see you next Friday, same time, same place.  I will look forward to that time.” Promise them a phone call at a designated time each day or week.

One thing I like to do is leave 7 tiny surprise packages – with instructions to open 1 after dinner each night. All of these are little ways to give people a bit of joy on a dark day.  Give them something to look forward to – a touch of hope. God bless.

Dear God, If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.

Jesus said, “. . . unless you become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. So today’s wisdom comes from children. I think that we adults can learn much about prayer, hope and trust by listening to some of their prayers. The following prayers are from a wonderful little book with the title: Children’s Letters to God.

Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never comes yet. Don’t forget.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

Dear God, I didn’t think that orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was really cool.

Dear God, I like the Lord’s Prayer best of all. Did you have to write it a lot or did you get it right the first time? I have to write everything I ever write over and over again.

I wonder.  What did you learn about prayer and praying from these children? What do you think Jesus meant when he said, “Unless you become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”  Matthew 18:2

Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Love, Jeff and Karen

A wonderful hospice nurse wrote a little book titled, ‘May I Walk You Home’. In it she says, “Even the littlest of hopes can bring a bit of joy on a dark day.” Help the person look forward to something.

On the day our friend Amanda was diagnosed with breast cancer, we went to visit her and after lots of hugs and some tears and hearing her thoughts and feelings, Larry said, “You need a goal. We want you and Rodger to go hiking with us on the Pacific Crest Trail next summer. Let’s see. You’ve got 10 months to do what you have to do to get through this cancer and then you need to start training. Are you in?” She said, “Yes.” Years later, I asked Amanda about this goal, and she said, “A reward, a goal, gave me something to look forward to and work toward.”

My friend Pat wrote, “Often when a person has a long-term illness, cards and phone calls become less frequent as time passes. However, one friend has continued to remember me with a postcard every day. The post-card has an encouraging word, a humorous saying, or words of wisdom that challenge me and give me hope. They give me something to look forward to every day.”

When my friend Pat was struggling with cancer, she asked me to type hope-filled Bible passages and post them throughout her home, so that as she went from room to room she saw God’s messages of ‘hope’. Some of the verses were from Isaiah 41 “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.“ Isaiah 41:10

Find ways to give the individual who is suffering, something to look forward to—a touch of hope.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.  She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip.

She signed a birthday card for a friend , addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. Mom then washed her face, brushed and flossed her teeth. Dad called out, “I thought you were going to bed.”  “I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.  She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list.  Then she said her prayers.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, “I’m going to bed.” And he did…without another thought.

A Jewish proverb says, “God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.” Don’t forget to say, “Thank you” to your mother on Mother’s Day.

I’ve learned…..That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

I’ve learned…..That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.

I’ve learned…..That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

I’ve learned…..That no  matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I’ve learned…..That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

I’ve learned…..That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I’ve learned…..That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re “hooked for life”.

I’ve learned…..That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’ve learned…..That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

Thank you Andy for those words of wisdom.  Now we conclude with wisdom from the source of all wisdom, God.

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge God, and God will make your paths straight. In all ways acknowledge God, and He will make your paths straight.

I hope you have gleaned a little wisdom from this program today.  God bless.

A wonderful hospice nurse wrote a little book titled, ‘May I Walk You Home’. In it she says, “Even the littlest of hopes can bring a bit of joy on a dark day.” Help the person look forward to something.

On the day our friend Amanda was diagnosed with breast cancer, we went to visit her and after lots of hugs and some tears and hearing her thoughts and feelings, Larry said, “You need a goal. We want you and Rodger to go hiking with us on the Pacific Crest Trail next summer. Let’s see. You’ve got 10 months to do what you have to do to get through this cancer and then you need to start training. Are you in?” She said, “Yes.” Years later, I asked Amanda about this goal, and she said, “A reward, a goal, gave me something to look forward to and work toward.”

My friend Pat wrote, “Often when a person has a long-term illness, cards and phone calls become less frequent as time passes. However, one friend has continued to remember me with a postcard every day. The post-card has an encouraging word, a humorous saying, or words of wisdom that challenge me and give me hope. They give me something to look forward to every day.”

When my friend Pat was struggling with cancer, she asked me to type hope-filled Bible passages and post them throughout her home, so that as she went from room to room she saw God’s messages of ‘hope’. Some of the verses were from Isaiah 41 “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.“ Isaiah 41:10

Find ways to give the individual who is suffering, something to look forward to—a touch of hope.

I do not have an ironclad formula that must be followed when writing a note; however,
I will share with you my “3 Rs of Writing a Condolence Note:

#1 – BE REAL
#2 – RECALL
#3 – REMIND

#1 BE REAL: As you reach out, admit your honest feelings. If the news stunned you, say so. If you are overwhelmed with pity and compassion, admit it. So recently in writing a note to Connie, I said, “When we heard of Hal’s death we felt so sad.” That’s how I felt, so that’s what I wrote.

#2 RECALL:  Recall an important event or memory or fun bit of wisdom you learned from the deceased, and use the deceased’s name.  For example, I said, “I remember years ago when you and Hal were in my Bethel Bible class.  I can still see you sitting in the back right hand corner of the room.  You were so faithful and I often thought, “What a dedicated couple – to the class, and to each other.”” So I was recalling a memory.

#3 REMIND: Remind the person you are writing to that they are still valued, and loved by you and by others and by God. So I said in conclusion to Connie, “Whenever I think of you I see a beautiful woman with a lovely smile which lights up a room or any other place where she is.  May all your memories continue to bring a smile to your heart and to the world.”

My “3 –Rs:” BE REAL, RECALL, REMIND  May these be helpful as you reach out to write a note.  God bless.

A hospice nurse also emphasizes the importance of hope.  “Even the littlest of hopes can bring a bit of joy on a dark day. Help the person look forward to something.  Give them a touch of ‘hope’.” For example, remind the person of a visit from someone special. ”Didn’t you say that your daughter is visiting you Friday?” Tell the person when you will be returning:  “Mom, I will see you next Friday, same time, same place.  I will look forward to that time.” Promise them a phone call at a designated time each day or week.

One thing I like to do is leave 7 tiny surprise packages – with instructions to open 1 after dinner each night. All of these are little ways to give people a bit of joy on a dark day.  Give them something to look forward to – a touch of hope. For more ideas I hope you will join us in our next program when we continue to explore ways we can give a touch of hope to a person who’s suffering on a dark day. God bless.

But you cannot make me understand you.  You have no words…

As you look around it seems to you that everyone else is able to move through this life with ease.  They can navigate the complexities of a day: work, relationships, even traffic… in a way that you can’t.  They speak and people respond to them…they can be understood, they can be heard.  It is all very, very hard for you.  Your body seems to have its own agenda that you can’t control.  Sometimes you have to make noises.  And the noises that you have to make, that seem to literally erupt from you, cause people to stare at you.  Sometimes your body moves in ways that are odd and even shocking, to others.  But you have to do it.  Your hands flap, and you must jump.  You know that others (like me) don’t grunt, and jump, or make high pitched squealing noises.

All of this makes you so very different.

So sometimes we stare at you, don’t we….  And even worse than staring, sometimes we act as though you are invisible.  We don’t know why you do what you do, and we can’t tell from the outside that you have feelings and ideas on the inside.  We assume that because you can’t express your intelligence, that you have none.  Your face shows no affect…no emotion.  By the time we finally “see” your emotion you have become violent…explosive. How can anyone understand what it is like for you, to be trapped in a body that binds you, even acts as your enemy at times.  Sometimes all that is within you that has no means of escape through words or even touch, smolders and boils like molten lava.  It becomes too much… it must get out. You find yourself beating your mother uncontrollably.  You are putting your arms through windows, through glass that cuts your flesh.  Some days you scratch at your skin until it is raw and bleeding. Or you spit in the face of everyone who approaches you…until no one will approach you.  It is too much.

No one can get in…really…and there is no way for you to get out.  You are Benjamin.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your
own understanding; in all ways acknowledge him, and he will
make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

PRAY BEFORE: “Before you are face-to-face with the troubled person, pray about your encounter. Ask God for help. Rely on the strength that Jesus gives each and every one of us. Don’t be a know-it-all.” –George

Pray your own prayer or use the following caregiver’s prayer:
Dear Gracious God, I want to be your servant, to speak your words comfort, to demonstrate your unconditional love to (name). Please show me how to do that. If there is something I should know about this situation, help me discover it. It there is a verse or word of encouragement that I should speak, bring it to my mind. Relieve my fears and doubts. Help me to remember that I do not go alone, that the supreme Comforter, your Holy Spirit, goes with me.  Amen.

PRAY DURING: By praying with another person, we show them how much we care, and we acknowledge the very presence and power of the Holy Spirit, who is the ultimate comforter, counselor and healer.

Praying Guidelines:

Ask person: 

1. “Would you like me to say a prayer for you?
2. “What issue(s) are you struggling with right now?  (Do not assume that you know what the you the important issues are in the person’s life.)

Remember:

1. to say the person’s name in your prayer
2. to be concise; don’t ramble.

PRAY AFTER: Assure the person that you will continue to pray for him or her, and then remember to do so! Also send a follow-up note or make a phone call within a few days.

“I do not believe we can ever say prayer is wasted; some good always comes of it. Although our prayers may not change a situation and give us the miracle we want, prayer changes us. Through prayer, we are no long facing our fears and pain alone; God is there beside us, renewing our spirit, restoring our soul, and helping us carry the burden when it becomes too heavy for us to bear.” Ron Delbene

The above information in from, The Compassionate Caregiver, Karen Mulder & Ginger Jurries pages 233-235 & 268-274.

Last night I saw a movie about courage and carrying one another’s burdens. The movie was “#42.” It was about Jackie Robinson, the first black player in major-league baseball.

In one scene Jackie was playing in his hometown stadium in Brooklyn. During the game he committed an error and the crowd began to shout derogatory remarks and racial slurs. Jackie Robinson stood at first base with his head down.  He was thoroughly humiliated.  The shortstop “Pee Wee” Reese walked over to where Jackie was standing as the crowd continued jeering. “Pee Wee” put his arm around Jackie’s shoulder and faced the crowd for several minutes. Slowly the fans grew quiet. Jackie Robinson later said that arm around his shoulder saved his career as a ball player.

To sympathize means to suffer with that person. That means more than saying to yourself, “That is too bad.”  “I wish people wouldn’t act like that.” To sympathize means to really suffer with the person and take some action…like “Pee Wee” Reese.

Lord, help us to take positive action – help us to suffer with and actually help carry the burdens of someone who is suffering. Help us to have that kind of courage. . .that kind of love. . . Amen

Perhaps the wound is old, a parent abused you, or a teacher slighted you. And you are angry. Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren’t invited…and you are hurt.

Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. The fire of anger is blazing. It’s consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge. And you are left with a decision. “Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?

Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growing, growling grudge. Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left.

God forgives the past. Can we imitate God? Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Dear Lord, help us forgive.

An example of a God nudge in my life happened a year ago.  One morning I woke up at 5am, and my cousin, Janet, flashed onto the screen of my mind.  I usually see Janet once a year, and other than that we do not see or talk with each other. So there she was? I wondered why? Then I remembered about God Nudges.  Perhaps God wanted to use me to meet a need in Janet’s life.  So I emailed her and told her about God Nudges and asked, “So what is happening in your life?”

Janet answered, “You asked…and it sounds like it might be from God…so I have to tell you! While I love my job, it is very demanding.  I have been here nearly 14 years and the needs go beyond the children and their parents and grandparents. There is no beginning and no end.

And the new technology manages to challenge me on a regular basis!
I have been in the middle of three near-suicides since December.
I’ve had a middle school boy here once or twice a week because of a divorce situation.
I deal with a drunken neighbor on a regular basis.
I just lost a good friend in the church.
And the sewer backed up in the basement.
I sound like such a complainer.”  Love, Janet

Did this woman need someone to talk to?  Yes! Thank you God, for the nudge.

As fate would have it, I’m writing this strategy on my grandmother’s birthday.  Later today, my father and I are driving out to visit her grave site.  She died about two years ago.  Before she passed away, it became obvious how important it was to her to let her family know how much she loved us all.  It was a good reminder that there is no good reason to wait. Now is the time to let people know how much you care.

Yes, now is the time to let people know how much you care. Ideally, you can tell someone in person or over the phone.  I wonder how many people have been on the receiving end of a phone call where the caller says, “I just called to tell you, how much I love you.” You may be surprised that almost nothing in the world means so much to a person. How would you like to receive the same message?

If you are too shy to make such a phone call, write a heartfelt letter instead.  Either way, again Stephen says, “You may find as you get used to it, letting people know how much you love them will become a regular part of your life. It probably won’t shock you to know that, if it does, you’ll probably begin receiving more love as a result.”

Author Stephen Levine asks the question, “If you had an hour to live and could make only one phone call—who would you call, what would you say, and why are you waiting?”

Consider taking the following quiz which is based on the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies…
Awards tarnish…
Achievements are forgotten…
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson:  The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money…or the most awards…

They simply are the ones who care the most!

An additional thought:  Why not tell those individuals that you named? You will be a blessing to them and also you will be making a positive difference in God’s world.

These are the things I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life -
Learn some and think some
And draw and paint and sing and dance
And play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world,
Watch out for traffic,
Hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.

        Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup:

                                the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the
Styrofoam cup-they all die.  So do we.

                And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word
you learned—the biggest word of all—LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere: The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or you world and it holds true and clear and firm.  Think what a better world it would be if we all—the whole world—had cookies and milk at about 3 o’clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.  Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true; no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Source:  All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum.  See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com

You often say, “Avoid using cliches and quick fixes when caring for someone who is grieving.”  What are some of the cliches and quick fixes we should avoid using?

- Robbie Dilmore

To listen to a 5-minute podcast on this topic click here.

Dear Robbie:

Yes, we as caregivers are often tempted to rush in with a quick fix.  You can’t fix it.  When a person has lost someone or something important, he or she grieves, and grief is a process which takes time—lots of time.   Offering advice in the forms of clichés and quick fixes may make you feel more at ease, but that’ not the object

• “Everything will be just fine.”
• “I understand. . .”
• “Be strong.” Or “You are a strong person.”
• “Tomorrow will be a brighter day.”
• “When the going gets tough, the tough going.”
• “Win some. Lose Some.”
• “You’ve got to pull yourself together.”
• “This too shall pass.”
• “You know what the Bible says . . . .
• “What do you think that God is trying to teach you through this situation?”
• “All things work together for good to those who love God.”
• “When God closes one door, he opens another.”
• “You’re a strong Christian person.”
• “Try to look on the bright side.”
• “Count your blessings.”
• “My uncle had the same disease and . . .”
• “You look great.” (Implying that the person should also feel great.)
• “Well, here’s what I think you should do. . . .”
• “God doesn’t promise us a rose garden.”
•  Depending on the situation, asking:“Was he wearing a  helmet?”  “Was she wearing a seat belt?”  “Did he smoke?”
• “I know it hurts but..

Robbie, thank you for asking about “quick fixes.”  It is helpful to remember that as caregivers, we can’t fix another person’s suffering.  So don’t try.  However, we can be there and encourage the person to talk about his or her conflicts and struggles and feelings.

Thanks for caring,

Karen

Please leave your thoughts and comments on this topic below.  Do you have a caregiving question?  Ask Karen!

What are some of the clichés and quick fixes we need to avoid?

“Everything will be just fine.”  I have a friend who responds to my crises, “I am sure everything will be just fine.  When I expressed concerned over a spot on my arm.  She said, “I’m sure everything will be just fine.”  When my husband Larry was in terrible pain and was bent over parallel to the floor.  She said, “I am sure everything will be just fine.”  How does she know?  She doesn’t.  Again, the “quick fix” slams the door closed as far as me telling her about my anxiety.

Instead of saying, “Everything will be just fine.”

Say, “It must be unsettling not to know.”

Depending on the situation, asking:

Was he wearing a helmet?  Was she wearing a seat belt? Did she smoke?

My mother was in a nursing home for 7 years.  Sharon was one of the aides who cared for her.  Sharon was extra kind and did lots of little special things for my mom.  She would sit for a few minutes and just chat with her.  She would visit my mom on her day off.  She would give her  back rubs – manicures.  Then one day Sharon was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Then the buzz around the nursing home was.  Did she smoke?   In a crisis these questions are beside the point.  There is a person dead or suffering and we ask, “Was he wearing a helmet or a seat belt?”  Why do we do that?

I think that it is difficult to suffer with and for someone, and if we can establish that somehow the accident or illness was the victim’s own fault, we don’t have to feel so badly or get so involved. Instead of those insensitive questions, one might say instead:

“I’m so sorry about your trouble – illness-”

or

“I know that you are hurting, and I really care about that.  If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.”

“Don’t you think you should be finished grieving by now?”  When Ginger and I were writing our caregiving handbook, Mary, an acquaintance said to me.  “My neighbor is a mess.  I understand her sadness; she misses her husband terribly, but she is a mess.  She cries all the time.  She looks awful.  I am thinking of being firm with her and simply stating:  “It’s time to dry your tears and get on with your life.”  Then she asked me, “What do you think?  I inquired, “When was her husband killed in the automobile accident.  Mary responded, “Ten weeks ago.”

I reminded Mary that grief is usually a very long, painful process.

You can’t fix it, but you can be there and care:
One of my seminary professors whose son died from cancer, advises, “Care to those who are in grief means asking about the crisis, not avoiding it.  That crisis is the most important thing in their lives.  Normally they will want to talk about it, perhaps cry about it.  Offering care can mean offering them an opportunity to do both in the presence of someone who loves them.”  Jim Cook

What then are some of the clichés and quick fixes we need to avoid?

“Try to look on the bright side.”  “Count your blessings.”  “Think positive.” ”This too shall pass. God doesn’t promise us a rose garden!

We drop these little golden nuggets and think that we have solved the person’s problem.  My sister, Loretta, is one of my favorite persons in the whole world; so I could hardly stand it when I received the news that her house had burned and was totally destroyed on the inside.  I called her immediately and one of the first things I said was, “Just think Loretta, you will get a brand new house.”

She immediately responded, “I don’t want a new house.  I liked my old one.”

Immediately I knew that instead of hearing her story, I had jumped in with a “quick fix” because I couldn’t stand to see her suffer

Another type of “quick fix” is to use Romans 8:28 “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God. . .” We know this verse is true, but wisely someone told me that the truth of the verse needs to be discovered by the person as the person lives through and works through the crisis. Eight months after the fire, I was visiting my sister in her beautiful new home.  As she took me on a tour, she said, “You know I would never have had this new home if it hadn’t been for the fire.”  Today Loretta can give many examples how God had worked to bring good out of her crisis. But she discovered that truth as she lived through the crisis and then looked back.  Save Romans 8:28 for the grieving person to discover.

Bury all these clichés:  “Try to look on the bright side.”  “Count your blessings.”  “Think positive.” This too shall pass.   God says, “Comfort my people” but leave your quick fixes at home.”

Wisdom for the Caregiver: (from Louise)

• Remember that the person with disabilities is first of all a real person.  If you have questions about a person’s disability, ask him or her.  If you see a person with a disability who needs assistance, ask if he or she needs help, then wait for an answer.
• Learn the correct language in dealing with a person with disabilities.  For example, a person “occupies” a wheelchair;  he or she is not “confined” or “bound to” the chair.  A person has a disabling condition–he or she is not “inflicted with” or “a victim of” it.  A person with a mental illness has an emotional or psychiatric disability–he or she is not “crazy,” “insane” or a “mental patient.”
• The following are terms never appropriate to use when referring to a person with a disability of a disabling condition: afflicted; crip; crippled; deaf mute; defective; deformed; gimp; invalid; retard; unhealthy; victim.
• Copy the “Rights of Parents with Disabled Children,” page 120 in The Compassionate Congregation, or in Is There anything I Can do?, by Sol Gordon , (New York: Delacort Press, 1994) pp 104-105.)

Additional Wisdom for the Caregiver (from Easter Seal Foundation):

• It is okay to ask a friend about his or her disability, but it’s also okay for a friend to not want to talk about it.  It should be the person’s choice.
• It is okay to use words like “see,” “hear,” “walk,” and “run” when talking with a friend who has a disability.
• Treat a person who has a disability the way you like to be treated.
• Be considerate of the extra time it might take for a friend with a disability to get things said or done.  Let your friend set the pace in walking and talking.
• Appreciate what a friend can do.  Remember that your friend’s difficulties may have more to do with other people’s attitudes, or with obstacles your friend may encounter, than with the disability.

Wisdom for the Caregiver  (from Sol Gordon)

• Share the “Rights of Parents with Disabled Children,” located on page 120 in The Compassionate Congregation, or in Is There anything I Can do?, by Sol Gordon , (New York: Delacorte Press, 1994) pp 104-105.), or on this website, “Rights of Parents with Disabled Children.

First, it is helpful to remember if you are in a line at a funeral home, you are already doing the most important gesture of caring.  You may be uncomfortable, but you are there.

OK, but what do you say when you are face-to-face with the grieving person.  I have found it helpful to follow these four basics.  First, mention your name and your connection to the deceased person.  We need to remember that the grieving persons are under a lot of stress and may not remember who you are:  They may wonder where do I know this person from–is she from work or church or did I go on a mission trip with her to Chiapas?  For example, to the son of the deceased woman, I would say, “Hi, (I might hold his hand)  My name is Karen Mulder and your mother Margie and I were roommates in college.” Now I have done 3 things that may be helpful to the son:

(1) Introduced myself (2) Told my connection to his mother (3) I used the deceased person’s name

Then I could (4) express simply my sympathy by saying:”I am so sorry about the death of your mother.” or “I can’t even imagine how sad or lonely or devastated you must be.”

And then if it seems appropriate and natural I would; (5) include an incident, story or an admirable quality about the deceased person,  So I might say, “Your mother was a very kind and considerate person.  I remember one time when when I failed an important exam and I was devastated.  Your mom dropped what she was doing and took me out for a huge hot fudge sundae.  I know lots of other fun stories about your mom; so call me sometime and we will get together for coffee and I will tell you some great stories.”

If you do not know the deceased, look at the pictures of her or his life display.  Then you could mention something you saw in the pictures or maybe you have a question.  “I saw in the pictures Margie helping in a primitive looking hospital.  Where was she and what was she doing?”  That may generate some conversation and give the son a chance to tell about his mothers work in developing countries.

So in summary:

1. Introduce yourself
2. Tell your connection to the deceased
3. Use the deceased person’s name
4. Express your sympathy*
5. Optional:  Share a memory or story or special attribute about the person.

*For more suggestions on what to say in specific situations consider looking at these posts: Death of Spouse, Death by Miscarriage, Death of Child, Death of Parent, Relative or Friend, Death by Suicide.

Please send your questions to: karen@wisdomofthewounded.com

It is helpful to remember that when a person has lost someone or something important, he or she grieves, and grief is a process which takes time—lots of time.   Offering advice in the forms of clichés and quick fixes may make you feel more at ease, but that is not the objective here. God says, “Go comfort my People.” The Greek to “comfort” means to come alongside and encourage — encourage the person to express his or her thoughts and feelings.

What then are some of the clichés and quick fixes we need to avoid?

“When my wonderful mother died at the age of 92, someone at the funeral home said, “How wonderful, she’s out of her misery, and she is with the Lord!”  Now both of those statements were true.  I knew that my mom was/is in a better place, but right then I was consumed by grief . . . right then, I needed to express my sorrow, my grief.  So, instead, if he would have said, “I am so sorry.  I know how close you were to your mom.  You must feel very lonely/sad.”  Those comments would have given me a chance to express, if I wished, some of my feelings, and I would have felt that the person understood and cared about me.

Some other examples of clichés which aren’t very helpful are:

* “How old was he or she?”  (Implying that it was time. He was old.)

*“Tomorrow will be a brighter day.”  Somehow right now it feels like the sun will never shine again.  So Instead one might say, “The world must look very grey today.”

*”I understand.”  Donna a mother grieving the unexpected death of her 3 ½ month old baby, Justine, says, “Some individuals told me that they understood my pain.  Even if someone has gone through a similar experience, it is not the same as my experience.  Although the words “I understand” may sound comforting, they are not.  Please respect the fact that my experience is totally unique.”  From the book The Compassionate Congregation.

Dear Gracious God, help us to think before we speak.  Amen.

The “uneventful everyday” is a mixed blessing when caring for a person with a chronic illness, in my case caring for a person with Parkinson ’s disease (PD).  One person described living with PD was like trying to drive with the brakes on.  Imagine that.  A light went on for me as I thought about that.  I know about tremor, slowness, stiffness, freezing. I’ve experienced these in helping my husband to dress and move.  But, this little insight helped me to “put myself in his shoes”.  Can you imagine the energy it takes to “motate” your body with the “brakes on”?  So, it’s a good thing if there are no falls, no bathroom accidents, no spills while eating, no calls in the night for help in the bathroom or turning in bed, long periods of day-time sleep, or other such events.

On the other hand, life has become more limited.  I don’t mean being without something to do because there is always something to be done in “life maintenance”.  But, much of the spontaneity is lost, for caregiver and the person being cared for.   No quick trips anywhere without thinking ahead and planning.  That’s the kind of “uneventful” that can lead to decreased energy, dissatisfaction, and weariness; and often to burnout, abuse, and depression.

When folks ask me how I’m doing, which I usually appreciate, I often respond, “Weary but well”.  This week I gained another insight into my “weariness”, as I read an article by Sr. Joan Chittister called Who are the People Who Were Waiting for Pope Francis?  She wrote of how weary and hopeless people, waiting for the Church (Catholic hierarchy) to hear their concerns, were feeling.  This quote struck me: “The problem is that weariness is far worse than anger….. Weariness comes from a soul whose hope has been disappointed one time too many. To be weary is not a condition of the body — that’s tiredness. No, weariness is a condition of the heart that has lost the energy to care anymore.”  I certainly have not lost the energy to care, but I do experience “lost energy”.

So how does one cope with this long “waiting” and disappointment, knowing there is no “getting better”, knowing we both have limitations we never expected?  Listening and looking for insights, such as I mentioned above, and incorporating them, helps my understanding of what I am experiencing.  Grieving the losses and disappointments, naming them, celebrating what has been, and finding new avenues of discovery and challenge, help to shift the status quo.  We may never take another trip overseas, but we can watch the travel channel and remember places we’ve been, or share with friends the adventures they experience(d).

While my spouse is in an exercise class for folks with PD, I try to exercise, which helps to restore some of my energy.  This Winter I put out a couple of jigsaw puzzles.  I work at it a little at a time between other daily work.  It’s a bit of respite in the midst of the day.  What fun to see the picture emerge and feel a sense of accomplishment.   Early morning is “sacred space” for me.  I like the solitude.  With the clean dishes put away and the coffee perking, I read a brief devotional and pray, asking for patience and a positive attitude as I move into the day.

Everyone copes differently.  For me it is the little “me” times I make time for during the day.